He Say : She Say - Special Column

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Why brothas Like Me
date the othas

Brotha Thou Art
a Self-hater

By Hansen Sinclair

By Nyakeena Dobson

I have Black female friends who tell me all the time that I look like the type who would bring a white girl home. And they’re right. It took me a quarter-century to figure out that no matter how dark I am, or how long I grew my dreads, Black females will never see me as a true brotha. To them, anyone who speaks properly, has a degree, drives a Honda and has no priors is not real. I get called everything from Uncle Tom to Oreo to sell-out to Wayne Brady. But the joke’s on them. What goes best with Oreos? Milk. And there is plenty of milk out there for Oreos like myself.

It used to upset me when I would have the biggest crush on a fine sista with a body like PA-DOW! just to have her overlook me for G-Dogg from cell block D. For the longest time I thought there was something wrong with me. Then I went to college. In college women started noticing and appreciating me, but this appreciation came in the form of white women. I realized I had more in common with them than my own people. We read the same books. We had the same political views. We even had the same major. And it didn’t matter to them if I had money or not, they had enough for the both of us.

Some sistas may say that these white women were using their money to purchase themselves a Black man, enslaving me with their wealth. But how many Black women sell themselves everyday just to ride in a Chevy on dubs or just to synthetically grow their hair in order to be more like the white woman? White women aren’t the problem. The problem is the value system by which Black women appraise their Black men and themselves.

I hate hearing Black women whine all the time: "White women have it easier," or "They are privileged," or "The government needs to help us more." Suck it up and start doing for yourselves what you want others to do for you. Yes, I have a preference. I prefer women who are confident and goal-oriented. I prefer a woman who would do for me what I would do for her. I prefer a woman who would build me up and not break me down. I prefer a woman who realizes that Black is not something I am trying to be, but instead something I am.



Strong and bitter words indicate a weak cause. Literary genius, Victor Hugo.

It pains me when I hear of a young person who has been jaded by lack of love resort to extreme measures of generalization and degradation of an entire race of women. I could sit here and counter every one of his asinine rationalizations but what would be the point? At the end of the day he will still be hurt, lonely and unhappy with himself. Dating becomes a problem when it is used as a medium to gauge self-worth. If you are looking for someone else’s approval to feel good about yourself, you are automatically headed for heartache.

There is only one reason why a person would make such spiteful claims; hurting people hurt people. It’s a simple fact that everyone wants to be loved. Everyone wants to knowthat they are appreciated and valued. Everyone wants to be understood and looked upon with eyes that say, "you mean the world to me." I know I do. But one thing that I have learned is that until we can look at ourselves and see our own value, no one else will. So what if you are overweight and bald headed with two teeth? If you can wake up in the morning and see the beauty that God created and know in your heart that you were made for a purpose then your inner beauty will outshine all of America’s top models. There’s nothing like a person knowing their purpose, why they were born and how they have been set apart to make a positive impact on someone’s life.

Once we can get past the false reality fed to us by music videos and truly get to know ourselves and understand what gifts we are to this earth, we can sidestep some of the issues that cause us to judge ourselves harshly and believe that no one will love us. Instead of getting depressed over a lack of popularity or a standard of beauty that only a small percentage of Americans are born with, look inside yourself. Find your purpose by asking yourself what makes you unique. Then pursue that purpose with every breath.

Along the way you will meet people who share your same passion. Then it won’t matter if you drive an Escalade or have a laminated bus pass, your excitement for your vision will unite you in a way that no physical attraction could ever match. Strong love matches are made through shared interests, not physical attributes. Don’t lash out in bitterness because you wasted so much time pursuing relationships that were based on the size of his rims or the circumference of her thighs. It’s in the past. Let it go. Focus on you. Improve yourself. Go for yours. Through the pursuit of your dreams, you’ll meet your destiny and find true love in loving yourself.

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