GOP Armageddon: Here's Hillary!

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“I was dreamin' when I wrote this
Forgive me if it goes astray.
 
But when I woke up this morning
Could've sworn it was Judgment Day.
The sky was all purple,
There were people runnin’ everywhere.
 
Tryin’ to run from the destruction
You know I didn't even care...
'Cuz they say 2000 zero zero party over, oops, out of time!”
 
 
So begins the classic Prince song “1999.” Although it’s Monday morning as I’m writing this, yesterday was Judgment Day for conservatives throughout America. Hillary Rodham Clinton – former First Lady, former distinguished Senator from the great state of New York, and former U.S. Secretary of State – officially declared herself a 2016 candidate for President. Non-thinking Republicans have already begun reacting by chanting “Benghazi” and/or “email server-gate.” Confident Republicans are shouting “Not Ready for Hillary” or “No Clinton 2.0!” However, thinking Republicans – who make up the vast majority of the right side of the political aisle – know what time it really is. They’re well aware that barring Clinton being revealed as the true leader of ISIS, causing a melee on live television, or robbing a bank, she will be the 2016 Democratic Presidential Nominee. It’s a dark day for thinking Republicans because they see Clinton’s entry into the presidential race for what it truly is: the end of days for almost every 2016 GOP presidential candidate. For the right wing, this is Armageddon.
 
From the American political party that brought you the first black President in American history comes a woman who could and should be the first female President in American history. You're welcome!
 
Leaders on the right wasted no time crying foul. To them, Hillary Clinton is Lady MacBeth, Darth Vaderess, Keyser Soze, Ultron, the Benghazi Boogeywoman, and cat-burgler of the people's emails all rolled up into one. Sticks and stones and what-not.
 
Somebody get a cold compress and some Advil for Rush Limbaugh. Sean Hannity, now might be a great time for a vacation. Mark Levin, it’s naptime. The next 19 months will surely feel like an eternity for these leaders of right-wing radio – and for their faithful listeners. Glenn Beck might need some smelling salts, too.
 
Words matter. The right spent the entirety of President Obama’s first term in office wishing aloud that Clinton had prevailed in her 2008 showdown with the President. GOP leaders from Arizona Senator John McCain to former Vice-President Dick Cheney to South Carolina Senator Lindsay Graham repeatedly stated in videotaped interviews and at press conferences how much more reasonable Clinton would have been as Commander-in-Chief than Obama. They sang Clinton’s praises for years for three reasons: [1] partly because it was the truth, [2] primarily to embarrass President Obama by unfavorably comparing him to Clinton, and [3] they secretly knew that if she ran for the White House after Obama left office, there was very little they could do to stop her. By the way, you can expect to see numerous campaign commercials starring those aforementioned Republicans taking turns calling Clinton the greatest thing since Texas toast.
 
GOP, cue up Prince’s “1999.” Or if you don’t feel like dancing, play REM’s “The End of the World” instead:
 
“It’s the end of the world as (you) know it, and (you) feel fine.”
 
According to the book of Revelations in the Holy Bible, Armageddon is the place where the last battle between good and evil will be fought. Armageddon also happens to be a hill in Megiddo - the archaeological site on the plain of Esdraelon, south of present-day Haifa in Israel. Colloquially, Armageddon can be applied to virtually any scenario in which your side/team is staring down the prospect of what our British cousins would call a tanning. In case you’re unfamiliar with the term, a tanning means someone took a loss in capital letters. I regret to inform my Republican friends and neighbors that Clinton’s candidacy will directly result in the tanning of many 2016 GOP hopefuls. A recent Washington Post/ABC News poll showed Clinton holding the support of 73 percent of those likely to vote Democratic. In the 30-year history of that poll, no one had ranked so highly for the Democrats at this point. Translation: happy trails, Rick Perry. Surf’s up, Marco Rubio. Mission more impossible, Ted Cruz. Are you really sure, Scott Walker? And to Bobby Jindal, John Kasich, Rick Snyder, and Rick Santorum, hindsight is 20/20 – as in the year 2020. Mike Pence and Rick Scott, the party’s over.
 
Rand Paul – the Libertarian/Republican 2016 candidate for President – offers some genuinely interesting viewpoints on criminal justice system reform, and is the rare GOP candidate who has actually attempted outreach to Americans of color. To the Republican base, however, those two facts disqualify him. Chris Christie may have missed his window of opportunity. Jeb Bush has lots of explaining to do, especially if he plans to bring compassionate conservation back. He will likely win the 2016 Republican Presidential Nomination through attrition – only to lose to Clinton.
 
1999 was a very good year. Hillary’s husband was President then.
 
POTUS says Clinton “will make an excellent president.” I concur. Madame Secretary certainly isn’t perfect, but she’s finally all in. If she runs well, she will win. Welcome to Armageddon, GOP (or Armaclinton if you prefer). At least, you saw it coming.

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