I Can Beat Tyson

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Before the fight Mike Tyson told Kevin McBride: "I'm going to gut you like a fish!" After the fight, he said: "This is it, I'm finished."

If Mike Tyson could give a Great White Hopeless like Kevin McBride a big payday, why not me? In a post-fight interview, Tyson said his bout last Saturday night against that pudgy, unheralded journeyman was his last.

Is Mike consuming stupid pills? Where else is he going to make $5  million dollars for less than a half-hour's worth of work? He ought to know by now that nobody cares whether his opponent is a top-ranked contender or a bum off the street or an out-of-shape op-ed writer like me.

That’s why I also want a piece of the action. This latest event was reportedly still one of the four highest-grossing, pay-per-view prizefights of all time. What does that tell you? That means that ironic Mike has a magnetism which compels fans to tune-in despite his diminished boxing skills. So, it makes no sense for him to retire, especially since he's broke. But he might end up punch-drunk, some fear.

Listen, a punch-drunk Tyson might be a lot more manageable than an aggressively-odd freak dependent on medication which has never seemed to tame his anti-social impulses. Need we review the lowlights of his lengthy rap sheet which stretches back to his childhood days spent on the streets of Brooklyn?

He is arrested at the age of 12 for snatching the purse of a little old lady, innocent claiming to be on his way to a Mensa meeting. In 1987, he is accused of sexually assaulting a woman in a parking lot. In 1988, first wife, actress Robin Givens, files for divorce, stating that he regularly roughed her up. In 1991, he rapes a beauty pageant contestant and is carted off to prison. In 1997, he bites off Evander Holyfield's ear in the ring. This is a man so out of control he can't even be entrusted with teeth.

In 1998, he punches and kicks the occupants of the other car after a fender-bender. In 1999, he knocks out an unsuspecting opponent who let down his guard after the bell ending the first round had rung. In 2002, he lunges at heavyweight champ Lennox Lewis during a press conference, triggering a riot on the podium. In 2003, he gets in a brawl with a couple of fans who heckled him in a hotel lobby.

Those were just the tip of the iceberg which sank the S.S. Tyson. He's had plenty of other indiscretions, necessitating a host of out-of-court settlements which led to his recently declaring bankruptcy despite having collected over $300 million in purses over the course of his illustrious career. Way to go, Einstein. Hollywood's ongoing love affair with the sport aside, why would anyone even consider becoming a boxer after seeing the mess of a human being Mike has ended up? Kids, stay in school.

They ought to coin a word for his condition. How about Tyson's Syndrome? And don't get me started on that Maori fire eater tattoo on his face. Although he's obviously washed up and oh so over, I feel sort of sorry for him. That's why I'm hereby issuing this challenge: I'm willing to go 12 rounds with Mike Tyson anywhere, anytime, mano-a-mano. I figure I have at least a 50-50 chance of winning, if that roly-poly Irishman could kick his ass. But Mike has to agree to wear a muzzle during the bout, because I am unwilling to risk losing any body parts.

In exchange for this minor concession, he can take the lion's share of the purse, pardon the expression, as long as I'm guaranteed a million dollar minimum. Do we have a deal, or you going to go out leaving the world with that pathetic image of you sitting on a stool, whimpering, a broken man, and mumbling to yourself like a mental patient?

Black Star News columnist and now aspiring pugilist, attorney Kam Williams is a member of the NJ, NY, CT, PA, MA & US Supreme Court bars. For more reports and articles please call (212) 481-7745 to subscribe to the newsstand edition of The Black Star News.

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