Love Shouldn't Hurt You

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[The Relationship Guru]

In order to attract love into your life, it’s important to improve the relationship you have with yourself. 

If you love yourself and have confidence in who you are, you’ll begin to send a signal to others that you have value and deserve respect.  An improved sense of self will lead you to a more fulfilling love life.  Loving yourself first sends a clear message that you are to be recognized, celebrated, appreciated and loved.

Sometimes our sense of self-worth or self-esteem is shaped by the people in our inner circle.  Some of us have family members and friends ruining our self-esteem every day.  Even if they are your flesh and blood, try to remove yourself from their presence as much as possible.  Hurtful words negate any progress towards self-worth and self-love.

As women, we are mothers, wives, daughters, sisters, employees, business owners, and sometimes we perform all of these roles within the same hour of the day.  Women have experienced a lot and continue to be the rock of the family.  We all have those moments when we endure life’s tests and others where we overcome great challenges. 

Therefore, it is important to remember your personal breakthroughs in life and draw strength from them. These triumphant times increase our self-esteem. If you don’t truly know yourself and what you want out of relationship, how can you attract the right man into your life?  Before you can truly know what you want out of a relationship, you have to have a sense of what your needs and wants are and what truly makes you happy.

It is also important to love your physical appearance and what you look like.  It is important to get comfortable with your body.  You must appreciate and accept who you are on a physical level.  Elsewhere in my book, I discuss how to maximize your physical beauty, but here I will simply say love your body.  Loving your body is about having a healthy body, regardless of your size or body type. And you do this through a healthy diet, exercise and sleep/relaxation.

A healthy body is a sexy body.  Luckily, men love the many colors, shapes and sizes that we come in, and we appreciate men for letting us know how beautiful we are as women.

One important step in loving yourself is when you stop trying to please everybody else in your life.  As we grew up, we often would try to make our mom or dad proud, our teachers, and maybe our pastors, but as an adult, we don’t have the time or energy to try and constantly please others.  You will have to prioritize your own needs over the needs of others.  I know this may sound selfish; however, once you adjust to this concept, you’ll free up more time and energy for yourself.

When I was younger, I dated a man who always put his needs before mine.  He needed a favor, or some money to hold him over, or a ride somewhere.  I’ve learned that there is nothing wrong with making sacrifices for someone else, but not if it always comes at my expense.  On occasion, a favor is fine, but if the man is not making adjustments or sacrifices for you, then stand up for yourself.  You shouldn’t be the only one inconvenienced in the relationship. You will need to maintain a sense of control in your romantic relationship, so speak up for what you want and need in life.

Commit to developing a relationship with yourself.  Learn to say no to others so you can spend more time learning and meeting your needs.  Commit time to doing things that you enjoy that are just for you.  Make yourself a priority in your life!

J.J. Smith is a Dating and Relationship Expert, Author, Radio Host, and Corporate Executive.  J.J. Smith is the author of  Why I Love Men: The Joys of Dating. More information on J.J.’s dating advice can be found on her website at  
She is also the host of “Real Talk with JJ and The Fellas” which offers an intelligent, provocative discussion on dating, love, sex and relationships and airs on

She  may be contacted by email at


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