Relationships: Is Cheating The Worse Thing In The World?

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[I Will Not Cook]

This week’s discussion is motivated by a letter that I received from “Daring Openfield”. Yes, I know his/her name is questionable, nonetheless, I will respond.

Openfield asks,
“Infidelity: Can a relationship get better after it! Please let me receive your feedbacks on the above topic. When someone is still in love with their ex, but trust has been broken due to infidelity and the love won't just go away from both sides. The experience is the social pressure often causes people in that predicament to want to terminate the relationship. What should be the focus here if there has been true remorse, repentance from the perpetrator?”

One question, Daring are you the perpetrator?

So we have all heard the saying, “Once a cheater, always a cheater”. But what do you do when someone that you are in love with, someone that you have built your world around, betrays your trust? Obviously, when one is dating, the answer may appear to be cut and dry. With no solid commitment, you can move on, albeit with some difficultly, but you can still move on. However, in the instance that you may be engaged or married to someone, is moving on really that easy? Should you stay? Should you forgive? Should you try to work it out?

I will delve deeper into my thoughts on this issue shortly. But first, I will digress just a tad bit before I bring home my point. Here we go…

I was over my girlfriend’s house enjoying some boiled corn and coconut (yummy) and we were both chatting with her mother. One discussion led to another until we began to talk about the inevitable. Relationships. The conversation finally settled in on cheating, more specifically cheating men. Mind you, my friend’s mother is a Nigerian woman who has been married for over 35 years.

She listened to my friend and I go back and forth on the topic and then, she finally chimed in, “You young girls of nowadays, do you think that cheating is the worst thing a man can do? If he does not beat you, he pays the bills, provides you with a roof over your head, takes care of your children and respects you enough to make sure that you do not see it, what it the problem?” In a mocking voice she added, “He cheated on me….and so what?”

Ahhh, see me, see trouble oh.

My mouth hit the ground. I had nothing left to say. I just sat there dumbfounded. Did a fellow woman like myself just brush the idea of cheating to the side as a minor issue? This discourse took place over a year ago and it continues to replay in my head. I have often wondered what I would do if my husband cheated on me. Do we just take the idea of “cheating” too far? Should we just brush our shoulders off if he/she cheats and focus on the bigger picture that is their relationship?

When one is unfaithful in a relationship, the fact is that it rips the fabric of what a relationship is built on; trust and respect. Essentially, this act has a propensity literally tear both people apart. Instantly, the dynamics of the relationship is changed forever, sometimes for better, sometimes for worse.

To the Cheater;
So you cheated and your significant other finds out about it, or better yet, you are guilt ridden so you confess. You realized that you have done the dumbest thing ever. You want to work things out; you want to save your relationship. Filled with remorse, you ask for forgiveness. That is great and all, but you have to give the other person time to come around.

You must understand that there are consequences to your actions. So do not get mad and frustrated when the person does not come running back into your arms after one month, or one year, or ten years. There may be periods when it seems that all is well and you have both moved on and out of nowhere, the topic of your indiscretions come up. The pain the other person feels is still so sharp and so fresh. All I have to say to you, deal with it. You made the bed so lay on it. Be there, and reinforce at all points that you in deed sorry, and most of all listen. This is not the time for you to get defensive or have an attitude. How long is to long for the person to deal with it? Well, if you are really sorry then you need to really be in there for the long haul.

To the Cheated on;
Granted, there is never any excuse for anyone to cheat but you are not all the way off the hook. In every situation, there is always an opportunity for growth. I am not saying blame yourself for the situation, because in some instances, there is nothing that you could have done differently. In other cases, you could actually have pushed the other person to be unfaithful. We all do things in relationships unknowingly or knowingly that opens the door in our relationship makes it easy for the other person to wander into the arms of someone else. Are you sensitive to their needs and what they want out of the relationship?

Do you take them for granted? Are you pushing them away? Are you just plain old selfish? Be open, even though it hurts, crying woe is me is unattractive and not empowering at all. Take the bull by the horn. Being cheated on does not mean your life is over. Never put that much stock in another person. You can hurt, but make it your priority to heal and forgive. Do it for you.

In conclusion, if both people really still do love each other, forget about what other people say, really who cares. They are not in your relationship. At the end of the day whatever happens it up to the two individuals in question and their God. If you work out your problems and come out with a united front, people around you will come around. You may even inspire other couples that may be in the same predicament.

Look at cheating as a little bump in the road, love can always prevail. I will end with a song Trippin’ by Tony Braxton. I love this song because, really it is easy to love someone when things are going great, and the person is faithful, but what happens when that love is tested?

*Disclaimer: Serial cheaters, please purge them out of your life with immediate alacrity.

Ain't nobody ever prove their love when
Things were all good
And two people are smiling
Love is found way down in the trenches
When he's throwin a fit
And she is sittin there crying
We tear it up, To patch it up
Break up, To make up
The show goes round and round
And that how we get down
We go back and forth
And anyone who goes through this should know
That what i am saying is for real
Real love is meant this way

I invite you to add your comments and questions on

Also tell a friend, to tell a friend, to tell a friend.

I can also be reached at chichinwoko@gmailcom


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