Sexless Relationships Are Doomed Ones

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[On Relationships]

Ever get the feeling that there is a whole world of sex you know nothing about?
A fantasy world where your lover worships your body, and you, full of confidence know you deserve it? For many couples, sex isn’t like that. Many people are raised with mixed messages about sex.

Some parents urge you to be chaste, and others tell women to shake that thang like a strip club pro; and boys are told to hit it an quit it. And it’s no surprise that many people have bedroom anxiety and do not look forward to having sex.

According to several studies, poor sex or the lack thereof is a leading cause for divorce. Many couples start their relationship off with an active sex life, particularly if there were no children. When children come, work schedules may change, job demands may increase with promotions,  and transfers to a new job may happen which could limit the quality and quantity of intimate time couples have together.

Invariable this will create a challenge and strain on their relationship. A sexless marriage is no fun. And sex will change as the relationship changes. That is, what many couples fail to understand - like love, sex changes. It must! Otherwise it cannot grow as the relationship grows.

One of the reasons sexual intimacy does not sustain itself in a marriage is because many couples are not sexually compatible. Sexual compatibility is a term that couples seldom, if every discuss in depth. That is, really exploring their likes and dislikes when it comes to sexual healing.

The vast majority of people are not taught about their sexuality and have little to no understanding of its role in a meaningful relationship. Often what happens is that the couple will date and discuss many issues regarding developing a meaningful and loving relationship.

You know, the usual things like; money, goals, kids,  career, house, friends, family ,values, and morels. The couple who is sexually active before marriage, is still unlikely to have an in-depth discussion regarding their sexuality. And after a period of time --a week, month, etc.-- they will  make love. The only questions that are likely to be asked are, “ was it good for you.” If both are satisfied, than that settles it; they will continue to be sexually active before the marriage and going forward.

 It is suggested from various studies that there are approximately 10 to 20 percent of women from the age of 20 to 35 who have never experienced an orgasm while making love with their partner. One of the most important aspects of a loving relationship is sexual compatibility; once people understand and accept their own sexuality.

Sexual compatibility is part of the glue that holds the relationships together. To determine if you are sexually compatible, each partner should make a list prior to actually making love, of at least 10 things that you need or want sexually in the relationship.

For example,  some things may be: attitude towards sex; skill level; frequency; being sensual, like to cuddling before and after; being easily aroused; and, having no sexual hang-ups. Also,  how affectionate is your partner? Likes to kiss and touch a lot? Makes love and not just have sex? Comfortable with their own body? Appreciates you sexually? Likes to try different positions and places?

Making a list will teach you a lot about yourself. If you are in a relationship that’s working well, good. Your list can help you locate potential problem areas as well as remind you of how much you have to appreciate about your partner. If your relationship is troubled or strained, the list can help you understand what is and what isn’t working between you and your partner.

Your list will clarify and define how you resonate towards your partner and reveal what you really want and need from your partner. After a couple has made their list, they can be creative sexually like: try shower sex; use message oils; use sex toys; watch erotic movies together; do role plays; no sex in the same place for a month; and, have sex in the AM or make it an afternoon delight.

When sexual intimacy is expressed uninhibitedly and joyfully, it is that rare moment of having fun and feeling happy. Without the spirit of intimacy, you have at best only an imitation of intimacy that may look like the real thing but does not feel like it. 

Additionally, if one or both of the couple may be unable to express themselves due to some possible fears or inhibitions, they should go and talk with a sex therapist once they have ruled out any medical issues.  Couples must try to keep the stimulation and sexual excitement going strong in their relationship. 

To help couples understand their sexuality better, I produced a DVD that explains the importance of sexual intimacy in a relationship. A review of the DVD is on,


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