Why Women Tolerate Mr. No Good

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It has finally dawned on me, after years of lamenting that a good Black man is truly an endangered species; maybe happily gay or already married to some lucky woman.

By good I mean, loving, kind, honest, trustworthy, educated, employed or at the very least ambitious—not a dreamer—and with family values. A man who can love one woman in a million ways, instead of a man who can love a million women.

My friend Susana Munisi disagrees with me; she insists a good Black man is out there and that the fact that we keep saying “yes,” to Mr. No Good is our own fault because we have a choice to say no and simply wait for someone worthy of the Gold that we possess.  Mr. No Good is usually devilishly handsome, charming, and completely irresistible and can make you believe just about anything he wants you to believe.

Mind you, he will usually have nothing of substance to put on the table just his physical delight, divided among a million others. The concept of being alone rather than be unhappy does not ring true for most women.

We figure some love is better than no love and that if we give Mr. No Good enough love we can change him; hah! Too much love and he is smothered, not enough and he will supplement somewhere else. It is not that easy to find the balance. 

It is usually too late when reality sinks in because by now you are hopelessly in love and walking away is not an option. And he knows. Then his deceit becomes more blatant.  He no longer feels that he has to go outside to answer his mobile phone; he stops calling to say he will be home late if at all; he figures you already know what the deal is, why rub salt into your love-infested wound. 

One might ask, how the heck does she know so much about Mr. No Good? 

I had one; I loved him regardless and of course in vain until one fine day, I flipped the script and started dishing out the dirt, good girl gone bad, very very bad—going out late, turning my mobile phone off, leaving it on silent so it would still ring then he would know that I was definitely ignoring his call.

Coming home late and laying beside Mr. No Good; thinking of anyone else but him.  This I did; for every woman who loves or ever loved a Mr. No Good. So what? Is he Jack The Lad and am I a Biatch? Hell No! Don’t play me that broken record, “double standards.”

I am just giving back some of that unpredictable pain.

For a woman who loves Mr. No Good regardless of his disrespect, is this weakness, stupidity or simply too much time invested?  Or maybe ego?  Would a woman with Mr. No Good accept or even realize that Mr. No Good was abusing them, emotionally?  Let’s consider the shock of betrayal, the continuing emotional abuse, the shame, loss of confidence and self-esteem. 

Mr. No Good has disarmed you of all your weaponry, it renders the abused unable to rationalize and make a choice that a reasonable person would make.
Until my encounter with Mr. No Good, I had often wondered why persons who once loved each other so passionately could end up hating each other with the same intense passion. 

On my part it’s because I stayed too long waiting for Mr. No Good to change; whilst he continued being Mr. No Good, forcing together pieces that didn’t fit anymore.
So I ask how does a woman “ensnare” her good Black man who can love her in a million ways?

Allimadi writes for The Black Star News from London

Please post your comments online or submit them for publication to milton@blackstarnews.com

"Speaking Truth To Empower."

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